Many of the 1.5 million children in the U.S. whose parents divorce
every year feel as if their worlds are falling apart. Divorcing parents
are usually very concerned about the welfare of their children during
this troublesome process. Some parents are so worried that they remain
in unhappy marriages, believing it will protect their offspring from the
trauma of divorce.
Yet parents who split have reasons
for hope. Researchers have found that only a relatively small percentage
of children experience serious problems in the wake of divorce or,
later, as adults. In this column, we discuss these findings as well as
factors that may protect children from the potentially harmful effects
of divorce.
Rapid Recovery
Divorce affects most children in the
short run, but research suggests that kids recover rapidly after the
initial blow. In a 2002 study psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington of the
University of Virginia and her then graduate student Anne Mitchell
Elmore found that many children experience short-term negative effects
from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief. These
reactions typically diminish or disappear by the end of the second year.
Only a minority of kids suffer longer.
Most children
of divorce also do well in the longer term. In a quantitative review of
the literature in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato, then at Pennsylvania
State University, examined the possible effects on children several
years after a divorce. The studies compared children of married parents
with those who experienced divorce at different ages. The investigators
followed these kids into later childhood, adolescence or the teenage
years, assessing their academic achievement, emotional and behavior
problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships. On
average, the studies found only very small differences on all these
measures between children of divorced parents and those from intact
families, suggesting that the vast majority of children endure divorce
well.
Researchers have consistently found that high
levels of parental conflict during and after a divorce are associated
with poorer adjustment in children. The effects of conflict before the
separation, however, may be the reverse in some cases. In a 1985 study
Hetherington and her associates reported that some children who are
exposed to high levels of marital discord prior to divorce adjust better
than children who experience low levels. Apparently when marital
conflict is muted, children are often unprepared when told about the
upcoming divorce. They are surprised, perhaps even terrified, by the
news. In addition, children from high-discord families may experience
the divorce as a welcome relief from their parents' fighting.
Taken
together, the findings suggest that only a small percentage of young
people experience divorce-related problems. Even here the causes of
these lingering difficulties remain uncertain. Some troubles may arise
from conflict between Mom and Dad associated with the divorce. The
stress of the situation can also cause the quality of parenting to
suffer. Divorce frequently contributes to depression, anxiety or
substance abuse in one or both parents and may bring about difficulties
in balancing work and child rearing. These problems can impair a
parent's ability to offer children stability and love when they are most
in need.
Grown-up Concerns
The experience of divorce can also
create problems that do not appear until the late teenage years or
adulthood. In 2000 in a book entitled The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A
25 Year Landmark Study, Judith Wallerstein, then at the University of
California, Berkeley, and her colleagues present detailed case studies
suggesting that most adults who were children of divorce experience
serious problems such as depression and relationship issues.
Yet
scientific research does not support the view that problems in
adulthood are prevalent; it instead demonstrates that most children of
divorce become well-adjusted adults. For example, in a 2002 book, For
Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, Hetherington and her
co-author, journalist John Kelly, describe a 25-year study in which
Hetherington followed children of divorce and children of parents who
stayed together. She found that 25 percent of the adults whose parents
had divorced experienced serious social, emotional or psychological
troubles compared with 10 percent of those whose parents remained
together. These findings suggest that only 15 percent of adult children
of divorce experience problems over and above those from stable
families. No one knows whether this difference is caused by the divorce
itself or by variables, such as poorer parenting, that often accompany a
marriage's dissolution.
In a review article in 2003,
psychologists Joan B. Kelly of Corte Madera, Calif., and Robert E. Emery
of the University of Virginia concluded that the relationships of
adults whose parents' marriages failed do tend to be somewhat more
problematic than those of children from stable homes. For instance,
people whose parents split when they were young experience more
difficulty forming and sustaining intimate relationships as young
adults, greater dissatisfaction with their marriages, a higher divorce
rate and poorer relationships with the noncustodial father compared with
adults from sustained marriages. On all other measures, differences
between the two groups were small.
Bouncing Back
Even though children of divorce
generally do well, a number of factors can reduce the problems they
might experience. Children fare better if parents can limit conflict
associated with the divorce process or minimize the child's exposure to
it. Further, children who live in the custody of at least one
well-functioning parent do better than those whose primary parent is
doing poorly. In the latter situation, the maladjusted parent should
seek professional help or consider limiting his or her time with the
child. Parents can also support their children during this difficult
time by talking to them clearly about the divorce and its implications
and answering their questions fully.
Other, more
general facets of good parenting can also buffer against divorce-related
difficulties in children. Parents should provide warmth and emotional
support, and they should closely monitor their children's activities.
They should also deliver discipline that is neither overly permissive
nor overly strict. Other factors contributing to children's adjustment
include postdivorce economic stability and social support from peers and
other adults, such as teachers.
In addition, certain
characteristics of the child can influence his or her resilience.
Children with an easygoing temperament tend to fare better. Coping
styles also make a difference. For example, children who are good
problem solvers and who seek social support are more resilient than
those who rely on distraction and avoidance.
The good
news is that although divorce is hard and often extremely painful for
children, long-term harm is not inevitable. Most children bounce back
and get through this difficult situation with few if any battle scars.
Labels: divorce effects, divorce for children
